


The Art of the Deal

by sidsaid



Category: Saturday Night Live, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Acting, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Daddy Kink, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humour, I guess this is smut, Marriage, Saturday Night Live - Freeform, Small age gap, Smut, Stop reading these tags, abraham is not 90, i guess this is fluff, oil barons, oil duchesses, snl, teenagers called mordecai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 07:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16236590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidsaid/pseuds/sidsaid
Summary: After 40 years in the oil industry and a tidy fortune piling up in his vault in the bank, Abraham H. Parnassus turns to his true passion: Acting. Though the problem with method acting is, you sometimes get a little too close to the role.





	The Art of the Deal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ReyloWarrior](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReyloWarrior/gifts), [TourmalineGreen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TourmalineGreen/gifts), [JenfysNest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenfysNest/gifts), [avidvampirehunter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avidvampirehunter/gifts), [elemie89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elemie89/gifts), [Audrey4ever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Audrey4ever/gifts).



> I don’t know where this came from. I would say i’m disgusted in myself, but that would be a lie. This is dedicated to all those cunning linguists out there. Don’t hate. Only love.

‘You’re the worst,’ Mordecai guffawed through his palm, barely stifling his laughter as he watched his father don his usual bald cap and wig. ‘It’s not convincing at all.’  

Abraham Parnassus spun in his seat, looking his son up and down. ‘Did you hear something?’ He continued to tuck in his salt and pepper hair and flattened the cap against his forehead and scalp, considering whether the pattern of wrinkles and discoloured spots was convincing enough.

Mordecai rolled his eyes and leaned back on his parents’ bed. ‘Was I born just to be a source of entertainment for you? Am I just another long-winded joke?’

His father picked up his cane then, slamming the end on the ground. ‘You were birthed in order for me to seek my true revenge. To destroy H.R Pickens, body and soul,’ he announced, before poking the end of the stick into Mordecai’s shoulder, making it roll back lightly. ‘How many times must I repeat it, boy?’

‘What on earth are you two doing up there?’ Mordecai heard his mother call, most likely hearing the slamming of the cane.

‘Dad’s being an asshole again,’ was the response, earning Mordecai another shove with the cane.

‘Be careful old man,’ Mordecai warned. ‘I’ll have you bed bound and in a nursing home before you can say Oil Baron Olympics.’

Abraham’s character didn’t break, however, and he stood, his glistening white hair around his shoulders as he loomed over his reclining son. ‘Is that a challenge, I hear? Are you sure you’re ready for my wrath, boy?’

‘You’ve got almost fifty years on me Dad. How do you think this is going to go?’

His father paused and then smiled. ‘Well first, I’m going to embarrass you in front of your class.’

Mordecai’s eyebrows met and his mouth twitched, almost hesitant to ask. ‘Wait, are you serious about wearing that to Career Day? I thought you were going to do some one-man monologue at the Y.’

There was a grunt that came from deep within Abraham’s throat to voice his displeasure and he narrowed his eyes at his son. ‘You think that Abraham H. Parnassus would ever be caught dead at the Y?’

‘Can’t go ‘cause you’re old?’ Mordecai responded almost automatically.

Abraham leant against his cane, his voice like nails on a chalkboard as he scratched his chin. ‘It’s called _method_ acting, Mordecai.’

There it was.

Mordecai rolled his eyes. ‘I don’t remember signing off on this.’

‘Acting is my passion Morty.’ Abraham replied simply, his voice much closer to normal now.

‘His one true passion,’ his mother’s voice clarified from outside the room.

‘Mommmmm, Dad is trying to get me beaten up in the parking lot again.’ Mordecai moaned.

The cane was slammed again and Mordecai looked to his father. ‘If you wish to inherit the title of Oil Baron, then how must you do it?’

‘I—’ 

‘Crush your enemies!’ The cane hit the floor again and Mordecai grimaced. ‘Snap their bones and make flutes from their tibias. Oil is not for the weak boy, and I don’t want you to forget it!’

There was laughter from outside the door. ‘Ooh I like that one, it’s very creative.’

‘Are you serious?’ Mordecai shouted back to the eavesdropper. ‘What the fuck even is an Oil Baron?’

Abraham slammed the cane and Mordecai thought that his father had surely made a hole in the wooden flooring. ‘Language, boy! If you ever wish to suckle at the teat of good fortune, then you will do best to learn from me.’

‘Mommm, please save me,’ he moaned, ready to roll under the bed into a pocket dimension, never to return again.

There was more laughter and Abraham eventually threw the cane across the room, knocking a vase over and he froze, giggling. ‘Oh shit.’

‘Mooooommmmmm, Dad broke a vase.

Mordecai was having a hard time keeping a straight face seeing his dad in this ridiculous old man wig-hat-thing, giggling because he’d gone too far. Then his face was bleak again and he glared at Mordecai with renewed fervour.

‘Listen, boy!’ Abraham bellowed.

Mordecai silenced and watched his father take several laboured breaths, he almost sounded like he had a wad of phlegm stuck there, ready to be spat into his pristine handkerchief. He really was going way out of his way to be convincing. ‘I’m listening.’

‘Wait a second, I’m thinking.’ He cleared his throat a little and his brow furrowed.

‘Maybe you should write a script.’ Mordecai suggested, trying to mask his amusement with a hand against his mouth again.

‘Then there would be no ingenuity, Mordecai.’ He answered simply, sitting back down and resting his elbow against the vanity behind him, glaring at the wall as he pondered.

‘Maybe you should talk about your hatred for great-grandpa?’

Abraham considered this and then grinned. ‘There is time for you yet, boy. Perhaps you are worthy of inheriting my oil empire.’ He got up sharply and started walking the room then. ‘Ah yes, about how I filled your mother with my festering seed to seek my vengeance.’

‘Hey! Why am I your festering seed?’

His father looked at him as if it was the most ridiculous question in the world. ‘Who else would it be?’

Mordecai turned on the bed to face his father. ‘You sure social services won’t take me away after this show?’ 

‘Sounds like you’re taking the side of H.R. Pickens.’

The teenager sighed heavily. ‘Mommmmm, Dad’s being weird.’

The door finally opened and Mordecai’s mother walked in dressed in a polka-dot summer dress, her chestnut hair falling in short waves around her soft and warm face. She glanced at her husband and then burst out laughing, a hand covering her mouth.

‘Dad’s trying to expose my whole life,’ Mordecai moaned.

‘Of course, how else do you expect to crush your enemies? They must show themselves to you first.’ His mother responded, moving further into the room and combing her fingers through her son’s hair. He’d dyed it blonde for reasons unknown to everyone in the family.

Abraham smiled and then went back to the vanity, sitting back down on the ornate chair. ‘Aurelia, I’m glad you could join us.’ He was back to the Oil Baron voice and Mordecai glared openly at his father.

Aurelia ‘Rey’ Parnassus kissed her son’s head first and then moved to her husband, sitting sideways on his lap, one arm draped around his shoulder and angled towards her son.

‘So you’re back to the classic Oil Baron character?’ she questioned. Her fingers began to comb through the white hair of Abraham’s wig and she appraised the liver spots against its fake scalp.

He shrugged, smiling lopsidedly up at her. ‘I didn’t want to be dishonest.’

‘Ah,’ she nodded. ‘So you’ll be the older man who stole me from my grandfather’s clutches to enact your final revenge?’

Abraham nodded simply. ‘Is it inaccurate? Regardless of my reasons, it was a very satisfactory form of revenge.’

‘What did he even do to you?’ Mordecai asked, practically shouting, and receiving pointed looks from his parents.

Abraham smiled then, his fingers glancing against Rey’s left ankle, tracing the silver anklet she wore there. ‘Tried to keep your mother away from me.’

‘He was exceptionally easy to seduce,’ Rey commented with a smile.

‘Uh-huh,’ Mordecai murmured, not really wanting to hear anymore. In fact, he just wanted to leave the room and get on the school bus like a normal teenager who had a normal family.

Rey pouted. ‘Oh Morty, don’t make that face. It’s a lovely story really.’

‘About how a 45 year old man managed to marry a 24 year old?’ Mordecai said with a thick layer of sardony. ‘Or were you hoping to become a filthy-stinking-rich widow in your 40s?’  

‘Don’t speak about your Dadd–your Father like that,’ Rey quickly corrected and she felt Abraham’s hand on her ankle tighten.

Mordecai glanced between the two of them and then stood, huffing. ‘If you’re going to go dressed like that, I better find $200 under my pillow tomorrow morning.’

‘Who would have thought you’d be so cheap, Morty,’ Abraham called after his son as he left the room. ‘Especially when you’re the son of an Oil Baron!’

Rey scrunched her nose up and then noticed the smashed vase in the corner of the room. ‘What happened over there?’

‘My hip gave out and I fell,’ he responded easily, his nose nuzzling into Rey’s neck.

His wife burst out laughing and her fingers combed through his white strands again. ‘I kind of like it, it’s a bold look for sure.’

‘So you’d have me even if I was 90 years old?’ Abraham questioned, his fingers glancing up from Rey’s anklet and nearing the bend of her knee.

Rey chuckled, her fingers sliding beneath the bald cap before she pulled it back on more securely. ‘Oil Baron Abraham H. Parnassus over you anyday.’

‘Is that so?’ His fingers stilled on the underside of her knee and Rey met his eyes again.

She nodded, a smile lighting up her hazel orbs. ‘So he can fill me with his festering seed.’

‘Aurelia.’ His voice evened out, turning stern, any trace of the old Oil Baron gone.

‘Yes?’ she replied almost immediately, looking as innocent as possible.  

He gave her a pointed look and Rey stood, flattening the skirt of her dress. She moved towards the door.

‘Yes what?’ he questioned.

Rey bit onto her lip, holding her tongue as her hand reached for the handle.

‘Are you not going to behave?’

She closed her eyes, taking a breath and turned, her back leaning against the door, causing it to close behind her. ‘Yes...Daddy,’ she said on a breath.

Abraham gestured to his lap again and Rey hesitated, seeing the wig and it distracting her. ‘Won’t you take that off?’

‘I thought you said that you wanted to be filled with Abraham H. Parnassus’ festering seed?’ he questioned. ‘Now aren’t you going to be a good girl and take it?’

Rey closed her eyes, hating to give her husband the satisfaction, knowing what those two words did to her. She felt the heat creeping up the back of her neck and she swallowed. She continued towards him and only stopped when Abraham lifted a hand to her stomach, halting her path.

‘Please take it off,’ she groaned.

‘Not yet.’

She closed her eyes again, adamant about not looking. Not even when his hands were on the backs of her knees and her skirt was lifting away from her thighs.

‘Open your eyes, Aurelia,’ he commanded.

Rey whimpered in descent, but did as she was told. 

‘Good girl.’

Abraham pulled her to stand between his legs as his hands slipped higher.

‘Just don’t do the voice.’

Abraham hadn’t been able to withhold his laughter, and he bit down on his lip to save himself. Even that would have been too much for him, though the image of his wife cringing in pleasure _and_ embarrassment whilst he thrust inside of her was too delicious to resist.

‘You married an oil baron, so an oil baron you will get.’

Rey moaned in complaint, sounding exactly like Mordecai in that moment. She tried to get out of Abraham’s grip, but his fingers were already searching for the non-existent edge of Rey’s underwear and he grinned up at her easily.

‘Such a good girl,’ he murmured, making Rey melt again, Abraham already breaking character.

‘If you’re allowed a character, why can’t I have one?’ she questioned, closing her eyes briefly when she felt Abraham’s fingers slip between the apex of her legs.

Abraham blinked up at her with a raised eyebrow. ‘You already are. H.R. Pickens’ granddaughter, who I will utterly possess, body and soul.’

‘No,’ she responded and her hands went to reach for his, pulling them away from beneath her skirt. ‘It will be me possessing your body and soul.’ Her fingers reached to undo his trousers and unbuckle his belt and her hand sank within the gap of his crotch. ‘Until you’re begging me to express deliver your bones to the soil to become one with mother earth’s milk.’

He considered it for a moment, his body automatically reacting to being gripped by his wife’s strong hand and the idea of her playing along at all. ‘It might be slightly out of character, but I may consider.’

Abraham groaned when Rey began to pump her hand along his length and he found himself gripping the edge of the seat.

‘I thought you said this chair was an antique.’ He managed through a breath, his arousal trying desperately to make him lose focus on taking the lead.

‘Shut up.’

He took another shaky breath and reached out then, two fingers pushing Rey’s waves behind her ear, before he solidly stood up, eclipsing her height and forcing Rey to retreat until the back of her knees bumped into the bed.

‘At least bend like the old man you are, you crooked Oil Baron.’ she muttered, frustrated by the difference in height, her hand stuck in his fly.

Abraham raised an eyebrow. ‘You would really speak to me like that?’ The tips of his fingers drew lines between the dusting of freckles on her shoulders, looking at her carefully, his expression telling of his disapproval.

Rey smiled then, widely. ‘Absolutely.’

‘Abraham H. Parnassus does not take lightly to ridicule and misbehaviour.’ If he’d had the cane in his hand, Rey was sure he would have slammed it on the ground again, or at the very least, thrown it against a wall to break something else.

Seeing her husband’s expression now, she couldn’t not laugh and even when Abraham quickly unzipped the back of her dress and pulled it away from her shoulders, she continued to laugh.

‘Do you know how this body was formed?’ he asked her in that ridiculous voice, removing his own shirt and exposing his broad chest to the air-conditioned air. ‘Hard labour. I built those pipes with my bare hands, plunged them into the mud and dirt and felt them pulsate as they pumped earth’s sweet nectar into my stores.’

Rey was stifling her giggles, even when Abraham knelt before her and began to press kisses against her skin, starting from her belly button and moving up towards her still bra-covered breasts.

‘All in preparation for my revenge, all for the domination and destruction of my enemies. So I could feel the lustful touch of my mortal enemy’s kin. See the lust in her eyes as I take her and fill her with my primordial stench.’

‘Ah, you really know how to seduce a lady, Abraham H. Parnassus. I’m positively overflowing as we speak. You’ve hit my crude oil and only the blowout awaits.’ Rey joked, though she couldn’t deny that listening to her husband speak about how he would ruin her did make her want to rub her thighs together and loosen the knot that was being tightened between her legs.

Abraham’s lips were on her neck and Rey shivered as he laid open mouthed kisses there. ‘You know how to make oil sound dirty, don’t you?’ he said against her skin. He re-positioned them, lifting Rey from the ground and onto her back on the bed. His wide expanse loomed over her when he knelt between her legs.

She grinned and was ready to respond when her husband’s thick fingers pressed against her again, slipping within her slick folds and two fingers plunged deep enough for her toes to curl. Her knees lifted away from the bed and she grunted, annoyed that his white hair was now in her face.

It was _almost_ a mood killer.

‘I will do anything if you just take that thing off.’ She crooned lightly, stars beginning to form behind her eyelids.

He chuckled, leaning further into his wife, embracing the hitches in her breathing. ‘I think you misunderstand what method acting is.’

Rey moaned, half in pleasure, half in sheer annoyance. ‘You broke character a while ago.’

‘Unless you’re praising me, keep your mouth shut,’ Abraham bit out. He added a third finger and tried to step back into character, even as he felt Rey’s center desperately clutch tighter onto him.

Her nails dug into his arm then as she stifled her groan. ‘Harder.’ Rey’s eyes were tightly closed and she breathed heavily.

‘What was that?’ He had bent low enough against her to nose against her cheek and neck and he was satisfied that when his tongue went out across the pulse point at her neck, her breath hitched.

She sighed, desperate. ‘Destroy me, break me down until i’m nothing but a source for you to profit from.’

‘Yes, good girl,’ he grinned and his fingers curled within her, pushing more forcefully into her.

Rey twitched beneath him, her fingers yearning to reach between them. ‘Please.’

‘Patience my sweet girl,’ he murmured against her ear, his thumb merely grazing her sweet button, knowing and withholding what she truly wanted from him.

‘Tell me what I can do to earn it?’ She was practically begging, the fact that Abraham was maintaining character forgotten to her momentarily.

Abraham chuckled gently. ‘Tell me what you want.’

‘To be filled by you, to feel you erupt inside of me, to be emulsified by your sweet liquid.’ Rey hardly considered whether her words made sense as she was forcing herself to keep her hands squeezing the sheets tightly, knowing that touching herself meant that she’d lost this round.

He hummed in agreement, his thumb reaching out to graze against her again and she gasped, sweat now beading at her forehead and puddling at her lower back.

‘Are you sure you have the strength to be shattered in two? Can you take the force of my cane?’ he questioned.

Rey nodded, finally opening her eyes and meeting Abraham’s milkier vision. It was then that the spell was broken and she found herself laughing hard, hard enough that Abraham just watched her baffled, his fingers locked within her by the vice of her thighs.

‘Abe, did you really put fake contacts in to make it look like you have cataracts?’ she exclaimed, sitting up and releasing his hand.

He looked put out. ‘You know, I try really hard to create a character and you promise everytime that you will follow the story, but you never do.’

She grinned and got onto her knees, straddling his hips whilst he looked at the ceiling with irritation. ‘I tried really hard,’ she pouted. ‘I can’t help that i’m a bad student.’

‘You’ll never get into Kanata’s elite boarding school for girls. What will your mother think?’ he questioned, looking up at Rey with a shrewd look.

Rey sighed and pulled his left hand from his side, placing it on her naked ass. ‘I suppose I’ll have to ask for extra credit.’

His hand drifted up the length of her waist and he cupped her left breast through her bra, his thumb glancing over the nipple through the material. The action elicited a grin from his wife and she bit down on her lip. ‘Now please take the wig off.’

Abraham relented and Rey pulled it from his head, tossing it towards the vanity. She ran her fingers through his greying hair, mussing it up and tucking it behind his large ears. ‘Hmm, satisfactory,’ she murmured, already leaning forward to suckle on his left ear.

‘Do I taste like an old man yet?’

Rey giggled and pulled back. ‘Is the old oil baron thing your kink, Abraham H. Parnassus?’

‘I’m just thinking ahead, it won’t be long now. Soon enough you’ll need to give me bed baths and lotion my body everyday.’

She shook her head with amusement, absentmindedly grinding against his hard length. ‘It absolutely is!’ Rey leant up from his lap briefly, reaching down to pull his trousers from his hips, thanking him briefly when he raised his ass off the bed to help. She pulled off both his trousers and boxers, leaving his erection out in the open air. ‘Of course I’ll take care of you.’

‘You’d make love to a 90 year old oil baron?’ he queried, smirking lightly.

Rey nodded. ‘If it’s you,’ she supplied. ‘Though i won’t allow your hair to resemble anything like that wig.’

‘Maybe i’ll allow that.’

She lowered herself over him then, rubbing against his tip and she narrowed her eyes at him.

‘You promise or i’ll burn it and you won’t have a chance to ruin Mordecai’s Career Day.’

Abraham glanced between them, irritated that she was withholding her tight centre from him. ‘Aren’t I your daddy? Won’t you behave?’

Rey grinned, ‘you’ll always be my daddy, but i will never behave.’ She pressed her lips against the tight line of his closed mouth and when he did not react, she licked at the seam, laughing to herself.

‘Fine,’ he assented, and she sunk onto him easily. He closed his eyes briefly, reveling in the feeling of being pulled into her warmth. It would never get old. ‘You can’t let a man get old in peace?’

She shook her head, rolling her hips forward and slowly riding him. ‘You should have thought about that before you decided to fill H.R. Pickens’ granddaughter with your unholy butter.’

He grimaced. ‘Festering seed is better.’ His hand tightened on her ass, however, and Rey’s eyebrow rose. Abraham was squeezing hard enough to leave crescent marks against the skin there.

‘Acrid pus?’

Rey’s pace picked up and she smiled as her husband held back a moan.

‘Fetid scum?’

His teeth were biting into his lower lip and Rey felt him tremble beneath her. His eyes were tightly closed and she could tell he was close to finishing.

‘Malodorous snot?’

‘Do you want me to lose my erection?’

She cackled and leaned further into her husband, practically smelling the dishonesty in his words. Her voice lowered against his ear. ‘Yet the old oil baron would be eating it up. I know all he’s ever wanted to do was fill me with his putrid batter.’ She licked at the pulse point at his neck and felt him shudder against her.

‘Fuck,’ he groaned as he did indeed expel.

‘Caught you, you dirty old man.’

Her hand went between them, keeping Abraham within her so she could feel the throbbing pressure of his orgasm, letting him fill her until he began to leak onto the sheets beneath them. She put her hand against his stomach, her fingers drifting over his pubic hair.

‘You owe me,’ she said simply, knowing she had won.

Rey was up and had her dress back on before Abraham could respond, their combined essences catching the light as it dripped down her thighs. He looked at her dumbfounded, lost to the fact that he’d cum so early, merely expedited by his wife finding synonyms for his ejaculate. Abraham couldn’t understand himself why he’d found it so erotic.

‘Mordecai, your father is ready to go.’ Rey called out into the house, her hand on the handle of the now partially open bedroom door.

Abraham was forced to haphazardly pull his clothes on, whilst his wife tossed his wig at him and entered the ensuite, locking the door behind her.

‘Aurelia,’ he whispered harshly at the closed door. He could only hear her laughter from the other side however, and he wanted to break another vase at the sheer embarrassment he felt.

‘Hurry up dad, it’s 8:45.’ Mordecai shouted from down the hall.

Abraham hesitated at the bathroom door, wanting to break it down and finish what they started, but turned with frustration, pulling on his wig, and grabbing his jacket and cane.

Mordecai watched his dad slip into the driver’s seat with a heavy frown set on his features, gripping tightly onto the wheel.

‘I changed my mind. $400.’

‘You’ll get what you deserve boy,’ Abraham snapped before starting the engine and jerking the car into drive.

They drove in silence and that was how Abraham H. Parnassus entered Sierra High School, exceptionally more rattled than usual, and feeling his mortification quickly drying in his underwear.

Perhaps that was why, once the day was done and Mordecai had happily accepted four crisp bills, Abraham’s son noted that his father had given the finest performance of his acting career, and it had been wasted on a group of 15 year olds and an overly-enthusiastic middle-aged teacher.

**Author's Note:**

> Yep. Well go on then. Tell me how you really feel. I had to Americanise my spellings for heavens sake. I deserve the benefit of the doubt.


End file.
